Just another Sunday..

Monday, 1.18am

Technically an hour after the the first day of Hari Raya and neither my mind nor my heart is in a state which I would have liked it to be though not completely unexpected. I really wished that I could be happy yesterday (the 1st day of Hari Raya) but instead the only feeling that was and still is resonating within my chest is deep hurt and anguish. Honestly, I am shocked at how some people can be so hurtful when they are fully aware of how much pain they cause you to go through especially on significant days such as yesterday. Then again, its nothing new. In life, there will be always be people ready to hurt you and bring you down without even so much as a flinch or a nanosecond spent feeling guilty or remorseful. They do it because they are capable of it and because they see absolutely no wrong in themselves. They believe what they do is right and the best way to serve their own benefit and personal interest. Everyone else around them is dispensable and disposable. This kind of people are selfish in their own right and yet in the same instance can remain blissfully oblivious to how their selfishness affects others. Compromise is a foreign word to them. In their world, they are king.. everyone else is just another statistic.

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The next question would then be, how to deal with this sort of person. The answer is direct and simple although not necessarily easy to swallow. Truth be told, there is no use in trying to reach a settlement with these people.. once they dispose of you, they have pretty much made up their minds to get rid of you and there is nothing you can really say or do to change that. You can try, no doubt but after going through it personally and after seeing the experience of others going through it as well, it is best to just cut your losses and sever all ties. However, therein lies the hardest part of all since its sometimes difficult to walk away completely without glancing back once in awhile and wondering why things can't be worked out or why things can't just be talked out to settle all doubts and conflicts once and for all. Unfortunately, this is a major error as at this point, everything has gone past the limits of logic and reason. Whatever you have to say no matter how sincere or heartfelt will not get through but merely fall on deaf ears. In the end, you are just prolonging your own suffering by refusing or being unable to accept the fact that you are now sitting in a rubbish bin.

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The only comfort that one can get in this type of situation is just knowing that time heals all wounds. In time, every wound that is tearing your heart apart and eating through your flesh will begin to subside but one has to be patient in order for time to work its magic. Things might never be okay again with the person that hurt you so deeply (which is probably how you would want it to be a this point) but at least, there will no longer be any more pangs of pain in your chest caused by people that are so self involved with a world that revolves on their own imaginary axis.

Last Day Before Raya Leave..

3.33pm, 18 September 2009

With only 1 hour away from the end of the work day and 2 days away from Hari Raya, you must be seriously joking if you think that I'm actually doing work right now. Work mode is officially off to make way for Raya (holiday) mode and that's how I'd like to be at least for the week. I have a feeling that the sentiment is generally felt as I hear loud country music blaring from my boss' office next door. As they say, if the cats go play, the mice will have its day. I know that's not exactly how the proverb goes but I think its much for fitting this way.

I must say that I had been trying very hard not to go into Raya mode too early as the general feeling right now is only bittersweet. I'm well aware that Hari Raya is supposed to be about stuffing your face, meeting up with loved ones and friends to seek their forgiveness and just overall merry making for at least a couple days. But I think some of us forget that it can also be one tear jerker of a holiday. In fact, my heartstrings have been tugging away for the past few days already. Its usually the norm to perform the mutual act of asking and giving forgiveness from and to the people you know and are close to, regardless of whether you had knowingly done them wrong or otherwise. One asks forgiveness for what can be seen as well as what is unseen.. the physical as well as the spiritual. But what if the person whom you feel you may have done wrong doesn't understand you or doesn't not share the same faith as you? Then, perhaps the act of seeking forgiveness is not as easy as it seems. This is my fear this year. Nonetheless, I wholly understand and concede that if it doesn't go as I hope it would, at the very least I tried my best. It is up to the other person whether they would accept it or not.

Only time will tell if this Hari Raya is going to be as sweet and as joyous as it is meant to be or just leave me in a bitter broken heap on the inside. If its the latter, I will not show it. Instead, I will smile as broadly as I can.. greet my family as well as fellow Muslim friends and acquaintances by taking their hands to salam and wish them all.. Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Friday I'm in love, Saturday I'm Just Bored..

Saturday - 11.31am

Another weekend at the firm and honestly, it is starting to suck a lot. I admit that in the beginning I didn't really mind it all that much but after 3 months or so, the fact that I can no longer sleep in late on Saturday is starting to get to me. Its not that its such a big deal, yet it seems to be one of life's simple pleasures that just has been taken away from me.

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Good news is I do believe that all my outstanding work at the office is either settled or under control. The pathetic part is that most of my time and energy is going to my work and slowly, I am turning into a person that I once (and perhaps still) loathe.. a workaholic. I think my friends have already gotten sick of me in this sense as 80% of the time, I'd call them with a legal question in mind at all hours of the day. Truthfully, I'm getting sick of my life too, the way that large parts of it have now been overtaken and overshadowed by work. Unfortunately still, being in JB doesn't help at all to fix this.

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I must say that I'm really trying to find and make my place here back in my hometown but more often than not, I end up being disheartened and the longing to return to where most of the people I know are comes creeping back. It also doesn't help that its the fasting month right now and all the things that I'm craving for take about 3 hours to get to. Well, no matter. I'm going up to KL next weekend anyway for Dot's birthday. Hopefully, I can influence the posse to go for something I have been wanting since the fasting month started.. really good Italian food at Nero Vivo or maybe even Ciccio but definitely not Italiannes.

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There seems to be some debate among us as to whether Italiannes is actually good or not. Some of us like the big portions served but I must agree with those that find the variety and taste a bit bland or just blah. It must also be noted that you tend to get muak very easily if you go for their cream based items. The desert selection is also yawn inducing.

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Ciccio would be a better option though parking can be hassle as its located along Jalan Changkat Bukit Bintang. Its a restaurant, bar and pizzeria so its simply divine for a late night slice and some vino. The menu is more extensive and to an extent more authentic than Italiannes. The deserts are also gorgeous. The only drawback perhaps is the fact its a fairly small restaurant with limited space. Its perfect for a romantic dinner for two but not so much for a party of 10 and above. Nero Vivo is located very near to Ciccio on Ceylon Hill just before Jalan Changkat. I never been there as of yet as the prices are quite high.. more than Ciccio and Italiannes of course. Nonetheless, I wouldn't mind going once to see what the fuss is all about.

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While I'm on the topic of Italian restaurants, another place that is also note worthy is Caffe 1920 located at the Curve. I would liken the concept and variety of this restaurant to that of Ciccio although I can't recall whether they have a bar or not. Fairly good fare at decent prices and once again.. taste wise, I must say better than Italiannes. In other words, if you are at the Curve and happen to be hankering over something italiano, please.. Caffe 1920, not Italiannes. It is almost more spacious which makes it suitable for medium sized gatherings and parking is much better too.

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At any rate, my guess is we're probably going to end up some where in Curve or One Utama next weekend for Dot's birthday dinner.. somehow, we always do.

Reality Bites.

Tuesday, 4.20pm.

Another the 40 minutes until the end of the work day and I'm counting every second. Truth be told, I haven't seen my desk littered with so many unsettled files in a while now. Usually, I get through them by the end of the day but today I'm just too tired and rather sick to do much. I don't know why but whenever I go on holiday or take a weekend break to KL, I always end up back at work with some sort of flu or cold. This weekend was no exception. I considered taking MC but I had a file to attend to in Court this morning which I had the bright idea to bring with me to KL to save time.

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Nonetheless, I must say that I had fairly good time in the city although undoubtedly.. it could have been far better. Lo and behold, the weekend that I decided to go up to KL was also the weekend that a new tenant had decided to take up residence in my old room and as pathetic as it sounds.. it was a sad moment, something I know quite a number of people would'nt understand. I have lived in many places over the years.. but that place, my old place.. it felt like it was my own, my sanctuary. I especially loved the view of the city from my room.. the Twin Towers, my old offices and such.. It was a view worth waking up to in the morning and an excellent sight at night.

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I also missed the area which I used live in. I especially miss the other people that lived in the area as well. Many fond memories were created in such a short span of time which makes it ache just a little bit more every time I pass by knowing full well that my stay is only temporary. There is one person in particular that I miss the most. In fact, I miss him quite dearly. But the misfortunes created by time and distance can bear a heavy toll on some of us. It can tear even the toughest and strongest bonds that is built between two people, teeth sinking into heart. He was not around the past weekend when I was there. But I remembered the places we used to go and the times we used to share. Lately, there has been a lot of conflict between us but I'm still trying not to give up if only he would try a little to give in.